I had watched Haunting of Hill House when it first came out, not as soon as it came out, but probably the year it did? Anyway, I just did a Google search and that told me it came out in 2018. 2018! That was four years ago! And here’s the thing: I loved that show. I was intrigued by it because I was curious about how they would stretch out a horror into a series, and I loved everything about it. Fast forward, and my boyfriend and I watched Haunting of Bly Manor (last year?) because I saw Hill House and so I figured I’d love Bly as much, so I got him to watch it with me. He had never seen Hill House himself though, and I wanted him to, so I got him to watch it with me this year- last month? Had to be last month. And here’s the thing: Remember, I loved that show and it’s only been four years.  

The only thing I remembered about that show going into it and as we watched it was 1) I remembered loving it, and 2) [and VERY small spoiler here, but if you’re not into spoilers like me, just skip to the next bolded brackets if you haven’t seen it] small spoiler starting now: I only remembered that the guy with the mustache fixing the clock wasn’t real. This is the end of the spoiler and I’m just writing a tiny bit of filler to help anyone who hasn’t seen it before I get to the brackets. [Okay, spoiler over, you’re free to continue] But that’s literally it! I remembered nothing else; not the characters, not the plot, not the storyline, not what the actors looked like or who they were, none of the jump scares or the more pivotal or reaction-inducing elements of the show… nothing. Like, zero.  

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but that is not what I know my memory to be at my natural resting state! I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to watch a show that you loved – at most 4 years after you watched it the first time around – and watch it as if for the very first time. Like, I feel like I can’t even express how little I remembered. You may think I’m being hyperbolic, but genuinely, it was if I had never seen it. Nothing even felt familiar. I was just as surprised as my boyfriend by every event that happened in the show. It terrified me! Not the show. Well… But I mean, Just the fact I had nothing. It is such a disgusting and heart shattering experience. All of it was gone. And I didn’t understand how. I’m too young to have gaps that big. I hate it. 

 Honestly, I wish I didn’t have to wait any longer for my appointment and for my diagnosis and for my plan to being better because I am afraid of the fix all fantasy going further. At least for now – I’m aware of it happening. And – NONE of this is me trying to be dramatic or supercilious or anything of the sort, I don’t know if that’s coming across or not. It’s just genuinely so unsettling. I feel like I’m watching myself fall apart.  

The worst part is, in terms of feedback there are two boats, and both are (unintentionally) feeding that fantasy. One is: people who know me see that I struggle with sleep. I will mention things like “yeah, I like being up late,” or “haha, yeah, I’m still awake! Quirky!” But I don’t call attention to how much it falters me – typically. And people will get to know me and see how much I’m burdened by it – just from an outside perspective, so I’ll hear “you need sleep,” or “you should see someone” or “have you tried…?” And that will reinforce the idea that sleep is the be-all-end-all fix.  

On the other boat, we have people who don’t see it. People who don’t know it so well and just see my day-to-day actions. My silly mistakes, my forgetfulness (that truly never existed before, I had a memory of an elephant, I swear it!) Or my gaps in my ability to grasp things, and in their eyes, I’m not doing enough. “I can see your value/effort/ethic’/whatever else sometimes, but then sometimes it’s like, you make these mistakes that don’t even make sense. You’re better than that, I know it. I’ve seen it. Apply yourself.” Or whatever version of those kinds of phrases. And yeah, you’re right, sir or ma’am. But that – at no fault of theirs – is also feeding the “I’ll be fixed when I sleep” belief, because I know that’s the biggest burden or hurdle or downfall, and I feel like it’s an excuse, so I refrain from saying it, or I’ll mention it casually… But I’ll think “I’ll show you. Once I sleep well, you’ll see what I’m capable of.” And it’s like…. Will I? Or am I setting myself up to be disappointed in myself. Not very version-that-I-love-the-most-and-am-the-proudest-of of me.  

This whole thing… It’s getting to be so much pressure. I just wanna sleep. I want to know who I am when I do, and I don’t want to set up unrealistic expectations for her. I just want this chapter to be figured out and done with so I can conquer my next hurdle, then the one after that, and so on. Mostly, I just want to sleep.  

I just want to know what it is that I want. 

One last thing I want to say before I depart is this: I know this entire compilation of entries seems very complain-ey and woe is me, but that’s not my intent. I wish to reiterate my intent with this whole thing before I sign off because I think it’s important.  

My greatest personal value and arguably the focal point of my entire website is that I believe in fighting for happiness and that I think it takes work. I spend a lot of time here talking about what I think “you” could or should do to improve your life, and I wanted to take the time to confront one of the areas of my own life that I’ve been neglecting to demonstrate what my values mean to me. I’ve tried battling my mysterious sleep disorder in the past and at some point, I gave up. I abandoned it and I turned a blind eye. I’ve faced consequences for it as you can see plainly in these entries.  

Now, I’m going toe-to-toe with it. Enough is enough. I’m practicing what I preach. My hope is that for those that are struggling with sleep like I am and are considering their options can get an inside perspective on what to expect, or to feel less alone in the challenges they face day to day as a result of a lack of sleep. My hope is that they will find comfort, and hopefully motivation to fight their own struggles with this post.  

My hope also extends to those that don’t have sleeping disorders, as that is a drop of water in the ocean of things I talk about on my website. Whether it’s sleep, or trauma, or grief, or whatever else. Whatever else! My hope is that showing you that even in just this way that I am still and always fighting for myself, that maybe you might too.  

I hope this doesn’t sound corny. I don’t want to sound like any run-of-the-mill motivational speech. I just have this belief that our best chance of seeing the greatest version of our world is if all of us always fight to be the version of ourselves that we love the most and are the proudest of. I hope that if I show you that I’m taking steps, you’ll take your own. I want more than anything for everyone to be happy, and I’m not detached or delusional enough to believe it’s entirely possible, but it rests heavy on me all the same. 

 When I see broken eyes behind forced smiles, all I want is their happiness. Even more than my own, most often, I want others to be happy. And I know it’s a journey to get there. I know it’s hard work and that it’s exhausting – because I do it every damn day. I just hope to show that putting in the hard work actually does something. Despite my disappointments with how long this particular first step is taking, my worries about my memory, and all the other things… I want to show that it does get better when you truly try. 

Also, October me to May me: Your blog is behind.