Master Manipulation
The people with the most power to hurt us are the people we care about.
That’s scary, isn’t it?
That isn’t to say that people we don’t care about – or don’t know – are not able to hurt us. It’s sometimes aggravating to endure a stranger’s hateful comment on social media, and it’s unsettling to be confronted by threats and intimidating language by someone on the street. However, most often, those things don’t take long to shake off. Most often, those things don’t stay with us for years to come, fracture our perception of a bond, or have long-lasting damage to our ability to trust or receive.
The people we care about have the most power to hurt us, and that means they can cut a lot deeper with significantly less effort. Subtly and gradually, a person you care about can wear you down until you are stripped from your confidence, comfort, and identity.
I believe one of the most common practices of subtly inflicted pain performed by a person one cares for is manipulation. Chances are that at some point, you will experience being manipulated – whether it be by a family member, a romantic partner, or a friend.
I also believe that one of the vilest and evil ways to inflict pain on someone is through manipulation. Manipulative behavior is something I have passionately hated for as far back as I can remember.
Two years ago, I wrote about what I do when I hate something: I try to understand it.
Here is What I Have Concluded:
Manipulative people are born out of insecurity.
I’m going to pull from three other pieces I’ve written to expand on this.
From Im • Mature:
Insecure people lack confidence, that much is apparent. People who lack confidence also lack control. More specifically, they lack control over themselves. The more insecure a person is, the more their brain becomes a negative feedback loop; constantly questioning everything they do, worrying about how it’s being received by their peers, and convincing themselves that every experience they endure is worse than what had occurred. The more an insecure person is pulled through the negative tornado in their mind, the more insecure they become.
What a horribly devastating way to experience life.
Sometimes, when someone is incapable of controlling what is internal, they instead try and control what is external. They will control an individual to try and control an outcome. Sometimes, they believe that this is their only chance of maintaining a relationship.
I don’t believe that this is always intentional. In fact, I believe that most often, the puppeteer isn’t aware that they’re even pulling the strings.
From Jaded Judgement:
Instead, I believe that the loop they live in inside their head is clouding their perception and censoring the impact of their actions from themselves. I believe that they believe they are doing good; they are doing the right thing. They don’t think they are trying to control you when they ask for the fifth time in a week why you didn’t respond to their text within a timeframe they deem reasonable. They don’t think they are gaslighting you when they insist the conversation you had with them just last week had different contexts, responses, and reactions than what serves your memory. They don’t believe they are setting up smoke and mirrors when they redirect the conversation to a different experience you shared with them when you begin to make a reasonable and indisputable point.
Insecure people live inside a negative feedback loop where they overthink and second-guess everything. When people are in the wrong, or when they believe they are the victim of wrongdoings, they often begin to view things in absolutes. They forget that good is not the exception to the rule and so, because of experiences they endured before engaging with you, they are unable to believe the honest and pure nature of your intentions. So, they control, gaslight, and redirect.
When people are in the wrong, they often stay silent and become adamantly in denial. An insecure person overthinks and second-guesses everything, and often, suppression through silence and denial are the gears that form distortion. This creates an alternate reality where a person can believe they were never in the wrong. Further, overthinking can act as an accelerator in forging that belief system. If a person believes their behavior wasn’t wrong, they become void of a deterrent; they become more likely to perform that behavior again. So, they will continue to control, gaslight, and redirect.
A manipulative person doesn’t have to remain so, but just like everything else, they first must recognize the faults in themselves, and they must have the desire to change them. In my experience, it is unlikely that a manipulative person will change. Based on my hypothesis, I believe that they most likely won’t because they are unaware of their deceit and immoral behavior; therefore, they are unaware of the impact of their actions. I believe that their desire to have control over the external is only subliminal and that their insecurity has them believe that they are prodding, insisting, and redirecting to get to the source of the things they had been overthinking about in their downtime. I believe that they believe they are only trying to establish stable and secure bonds. They don’t recognize their behavior as awful because their intentions are not.
The first wrong turn a manipulative person makes is when they attempt to control anything external. That is impossible. The only thing any of us truly have control over is ourselves; what is internal.
Gaining control over the internal is a superpower. This brings me to:
What should you do when you have formed a bond with, or begun to care for someone manipulative?
- Get To Know Yourself
- Recognize Manipulative Behavior
- Remain On Topic
- Determine Your Limitations
This is such an interesting perspective on toxic manipulation! #pigsflyhere
Get To Know Yourself.
This is something you should be doing regardless of anything else. I’ve talked about this before in Practice Being Happy as I believe it is a core foundational element of happiness.
Getting to know yourself can work the same as getting to know anyone else. Ask yourself questions, and figure out why things make you angry, excited, uncomfortable, or sad. Embrace what you learn about yourself along the way. Avoid thinking ‘If I like x, then I should like y.” Instead, accept what you learn as a fact, and an island of its own. Once you find an island that relates, then you can build a bridge between them. After all, it would be foolish to begin building a bridge before you knew its destination.
The more you get to know yourself, the more impenetrable you will become. Filling out the skin you reside in is a shield; it will build you to be resilient, it will provide you heightened clarity on the world around you, and it will allow you to have keener observations and more accurate inclinations.
Getting to know yourself isn’t something that ever becomes complete. It is a lifelong journey, as any individual changes, adapts, and grows. My advice isn’t to know who you are before entering a manipulative relationship. This is partly why. The other element is that you cannot predict when you are about to enter a manipulative relationship. Often, a manipulative person is nearly impossible to detect right away.
Recognize Manipulative Behavior.
The more you know yourself, and the more assured you are by your identity, the more equipped you will be to recognize manipulative behavior. Further, you will be less likely to be swept away by it.
If you remember being totally certain about something moments ago and then questioning your perspective moments later, ask yourself what the source of the pivot was. Just be mindful of it. We should always be receptive to altering our point of view or changing our minds, but if an individual’s actions or words were the source of the pivot, take note of it. If this becomes a pattern, it might be worth dissecting.
When you find yourself alone, review those instances. Play them back in your mind and research the events that occurred. Recall what made you certain in the first place and wonder whether it was best in the end for you to take a different stance. Ask yourself whether your integrity aligns better with the belief you held initially, or with the belief you’ve adapted to.
If you notice a pattern forming, and if you find more often that you are more uncomfortable after your perspective has shifted, you may be dealing with a manipulative person.
Here are some exercises you can practice:
Remain On Topic.
Often, manipulative people in your life will want to pull you into (usually) lengthy conversations about all the things they believe you did to burden, hurt, or otherwise upset them. When you care for someone, you care the same for them regardless of whether they’re manipulative, so it is often instinctual to agree to participate in these conversations. That is human and understandable.
When you find yourself in these kinds of conversations, remain on topic. Often, they will try to course the conversation in a new direction. Often, this will happen several times throughout the conversation and every direction will seem as new and sudden as the last. Resist the urge to instinctively respond to a new direction, as every shift will likely begin with a rage-inducing or character-diminishing prompt.
Instead, keep to the initial topic. Adamantly state that you wish to resolve one thing at a time. Do not let them pull you somewhere new, as you likely won’t find yourself back at former topics again, and you will leave the conversation feeling as though there was no conclusion or resolve any step of the way. If you must, write a word on the back of your hand or in the notes app on your phone to remind yourself where to return to. When you notice the conversation wandering or drifting somewhere else, pull it back to the initial source. Remain on a topic until you feel, and the other party confirms that they feel, that there has been a resolution.
Demand to stay on topic as many times as necessary. Repeat your intentions to resolve one thing at a time. If they become angry or are too insistent on shifting gears, walk away. Tell them you are willing to try again later when you can both share an understanding to focus solely on one point at a time.
Determine Your Limitations.
In other words, understand and set your boundaries. When you are void of anyone else’s presence, think carefully and deeply about what you are willing to endure – and how much you are willing to. Keep asking yourself questions until you have a complete understanding of where the lines you are unwilling or unable to cross are drawn in every direction you can think of. Always continue determining these lines, for as you carry through life, you’re likely to discover lines you haven’t considered before.
Abide by the boundaries you develop. Know how many times you’re willing to remind someone about your boundaries and know how many times you are able to repeat them. When you set a boundary and make someone aware of it, and when they break it, state and repeat your boundary immediately. As early on as you can, determine the point that you must walk away at, and if you ever find yourself at that point, walk.
Always reflect on your boundaries; continually determine what your limitations are, and continually determine where you might need to develop a new limitation. Always abide by your limitations, even when it’s difficult or heartbreaking. Abiding by your limitations is honoring yourself.
These four things work altogether as different parts of the same machine. The more you practice each, the better your machine will run. The better your machine runs, the more equipped you will become to handle a manipulative person.
You will not always be strong enough to combat manipulation. There will likely be times when you fall victim to it.
So long as you work on these things, you will have a springboard to propel yourself back to the version of yourself that existed before their influence. The better your machine is built, the better you will be able to carry forward.
Why Is It important?
The people we care about have the most power to hurt us, and that means they can cut a lot deeper with significantly less effort. Subtly and gradually, a person you care about can wear you down until you are stripped from your confidence, comfort, and identity.
When you are stripped from your confidence, comfort, and identity, you may become insecure.
Manipulative people are born out of insecurity.
Before You Go…
What was your favorite part of this post? Was there a quote that stood out to you, or an idea that inspired you to ponder it further?
Let me know in the comments! I would love to hear from you. Don’t forget to click the “Love” button on your way!
Tammi
Oh my, 100% true. All of it. I have the hardest time with friends that are passive-aggressive, and holding them accountable for their behavior. Always a work in progress. Great reminder, great article!
Stephanie Pick
For me the biggest takeaway is awareness. For either side to heal there must be awareness of self. So many interesting points in this read, thanks for sharing!
Jacquelyn
My favorite quote is this one: “Sometimes, when someone is incapable of controlling what is internal, they instead try and control what is external. They will control an individual to try and control an outcome.”
It really speaks to me because I know several people in my life who suffer from severe anxiety, but it manifests itself as wanting to control those closest to them. Very very interesting and eye-opening post! I very much enjoyed it!
Tom Reid
I love to read your thoughts on such topics and I particularly enjoyed this compilation of genuine wisdom from your observations. Thanks for sharing them.
Monika
Love this post. I especially agree with the part that you have to know yourself 🙂 You have to know who you are, know your values and most importantly, know your own worth. If you 100% know (not just hope, but really know) that you are worthy of love and happiness, even when people who are close to you hurt you, you can deal with that pain much easier. I think it’s very important to talk about these topics, so thank you ❤️
Areil
I agree that manipulation can come from any relationship and sometimes its hard to notice. Thanks for sharing tips on getting past these types of behaviors.
Sandra Ans
Thank you for this well-written post! Unfortunately, I have a manipulative person in my family and that is actually very, very hard. The person doesn’t see the problem in himself/herself and this leads to many fights and stress because none wants to be controlled and manipulated by someone else.
What have I done in this situation? Accepted this behavior because he/she is my family. I also analyze everything very carefully and try to catch the moment when the person tries to manipulate me again.
Meghan
Very spot on, especially when you say those who manipulate have clouded perception and actually believe they’re doing good and the right thing.
My fiancé and I were just discussing this last night. He unfortunately has a mother who does literally everything you’ve discussed in this post. She believes her manipulative behaviors is what makes her a good mother when in reality is what makes her parenting style toxic. When he’s tried to communicate how he feels to her, she denies all accountability and tells him he’s attacking her and beating her down.
It’s a very unfortunate situation, however it’s important to be aware of it and how they think in order to understand it and, overall, not take it personally. Thank you for sharing this!!
Jean
Wow I learned a lot from this pot, knowing ourselves better is a good way to know the pattern. This is a good way to evaluate ourselves and I suddenly asked my self am I falling to that manipulative style or I just want the best for them, lol. Good to know I am not.
Ashley
It’s so true that the people closest to us cause the most hurt. Awareness and boundaries have been the best way for me to deal with the manipulation. This is a great post that people can learn alot from. Thanks for sharing!
Charlie-Elizabeth Nadeau
This is spot on! Great description and examination of a hard topic. I like your approach and relate to your idea that when you hate something you try to understand it. I think it’s a wonderful way to stay open, to learn and be able to grow or realize when we are being manipulated and need to make a change.
Jen Rigley
This is so true, which it wasn’t. But your tips for how to deal with this are really good.
Greg Johnson
I really enjoy how you lay out beautiful pathways to self awareness and confidence. As those two things grow in harmony, so does a strength to handle all that comes our way. I love your blog!
Adriane
It is so easy to get sucked into people’s drama. Great post on how to handle manipulation!
jacksoncarlos
I adore reading your opinions on such subjects, and I especially cherished your collection of sincere knowledge drawn from your observations. I’m grateful you shared this by-JACKSON CARLOS