Hop into my time machine for a second, I’ll dust off the seat for you. Let’s go back to middle school for a moment. I know, universally the worst period of time to return to, but bear with me.

You’re sitting in a horribly uncomfortable plastic chair. Your desk is crumbling at the corners with profanities carved in at the edges and doodles of boy’s names decorated with hearts scattered across the surface. Your teacher rolls in a TV and sets it up at the front of the room. She begins playing a film and announces that today, you’ll be learning about the dangers of peer pressure.

The film is awful; It’s outdated and poorly acted. There’s a scene where four kids are hanging out outside and three of them pull out cigarettes and light them up. They turn to the fourth kid, who isn’t smoking, and offer him one, saying things like “don’t you want to be cool?” Or “come on, just have one!” The fourth kid looks nervous as he’s been put in a dilemma: impress his friends or take care of his health. The narrator says, “what would you do in this situation?” and the scene rewinds itself and replays both options, highlighting the consequences of giving in and accepting the smoke. Finally, a tacky text comes over the screen that reads, “Say No to Peer Pressure!”

The teacher then prompts a discussion with the class and the students inevitably universally declare that they will resist peer pressure.

We all have this memory. It is globally identical. If you’re anything like me, you left that lesson totally believing that you would never give in to peer pressure as that is what you were taught. I couldn’t imagine a scenario where I would tarnish my own integrity because someone else was telling me it would make me ‘cool.’ I then proceeded to go through the rest of my school years firmly and entirely believing that I had never once given into peer pressure.

Looking back now, I realize that I have given into peer pressure far more often than I’d like to admit. I’ve smoked a joint when I didn’t have any desire to, and the first cigarette I ever had was because I allowed myself to believe that my safety would be compromised if I did not accept it, but that’s a story for another day.

Looking back now has also made me frustrated with how peer pressure is taught to us, because it’s very rare that peer pressure looks the way it does in that cringey video in real life. Watching that video way back made it easy for me to feel confident that I would never give in to peer pressure because I couldn’t imagine falling for a promise to be ‘cool’ for the compromising price of giving in to their demands of engaging with them in whatever they were doing to fit in. It seemed absurd, and I realize now that it was absurd – but not for the reasons I thought back then.

Most of the times I’ve found myself in a situation of peer pressure, when I fell for it, I did so because of the stakes I’ve created in my head. In fact, in most instances, I’ve been told reassuringly by those around me that it was okay if I didn’t partake. With my own spiraling thoughts, I was the one that convinced myself otherwise. I was the one concerned about being viewed as lesser-than if I didn’t take that swig of alcohol or sneak out at night or what-have-you, but the people I engaged with, they weren’t the least bit concerned with whatever choice I made. They were happy enough to have me tag along, in whatever boundaries of responsibility (or lack of) I was most comfortable adhering to.

So, I think that the way we are taught about peer pressure is all wrong.

Typically, we are taught about peer pressure when we are between the ages of eleven and fourteen, as that is when we are, collectively, the most fragile and insecure. I agree with the timing of the lesson, but even at whatever state of life you are at now, it’s good to be reminded because instances of peer pressure can and will arise at different moments, appearing in different ways for the rest of your life. Thus, it’s important to know how to combat it.

I have some ideas on how I think handling peer pressure should be taught instead.

First thing to get out of the way; if most of what makes you decide to give in to peer pressure happens in your head, then it is redundant to teach “just say no” when we’re confronted by a situation of peer pressure. We won’t readily and instinctively know to “just say no” if we’re not prompted with something obvious to “just say no” to. Instead, we should be taught to look inside ourselves and learn to identify and live according to our values, so our instincts respond in the way we want them to even when we’re presented with a peer pressure situation that isn’t immediately apparent.

I think what we need to understand first and foremost is the difference between adaptation and giving in to peer pressure. Recognizing the difference is easy but applying the difference into your life whenever it is suitable takes practice and time. The obvious difference is that adaptation has a place where it plays a necessary role. There will be instances in which adapting to your environment will be beneficial for you and will allow you to create better bonds with your peers. Whether it be a workplace environment, a dinner party, or meeting your partner’s parents for the first time, there are conditions in which adapting to your surroundings is imperative and favorable. The more important difference is that peer pressure involves self-sacrifice, and adaptation does not. You should not have to surrender your moral code to mould into your surroundings. Peer pressure will corner you into that dilemma, adaptation will not.

So how do we make it so we can always recognize the difference in real life situations, and how do we practice consistently making the right choice?

The best way to accomplish this is by building and upholding our integrity, making our spirit indomitable. This comes with a lot of self-reflection.

We need to create a moral code to live by:

This sounds easy enough. We can all recognize good values and deeds:

• be courageous
• be honest
• don’t judge, cheat, steal
• be true to your word

All these things sound pleasant, obvious, and doable, but saying these things and abiding by them are very different. Every moral or value you have requires practice and consistent execution; they require maintenance. The happier you become, the easier it will be to maintain your own set of morals. Even still, you must understand why these things matter to you.

What I mean is, with each day, you will be tested on your own moral code. If you have not defined it for yourself, then you are not likely to live by those principles when you are tested. Here’s an example:

Believing that you shouldn’t do drugs because you’ve been told that it’s wrong is not structurally sound. There are cracks in the foundation if you’re not upholding this mentality. Temptation is a subcategory of curiosity, and curiosity is human nature. Therefore, you must understand your personal reasons behind being against being high. You can only hold yourself accountable if it’s something you believe in for yourself in the first place.

You must also understand that your moral code is not the moral code. Every person around you is going to have different ideas as to what is right and what is wrong. If you’re not confidently set within your boundaries, then you leave room for another moral compass to push you outside of your comfort zone. Alternatively, if you’re too rigid in your beliefs and you don’t leave room for understanding that perspectives can vary, then you might unintentionally push someone else outside of where they are comfortable.

All of this takes practice, and there are many ways to practice discovering and abiding by your own morality. Here are a couple ways you can try:

Sometimes, when you find yourself in a situation of potential peer pressure, you don’t have time to examine and process what is happening, and your reaction is instinctual and immediate. However, oftentimes in similar circumstances, you do have the gift of time. When you are given the time to think about the decision you’re about to make, it’s important to do so carefully. It’s important to set aside the pressure you’re feeling in the moment and find your gut feeling on the choice. You must ask yourself which decision is the best fit for you, and you must act on that decision accordingly. The more often you do this, you’re training your instincts to respond in a way that is self-satisfactory when you’re cornered into situations that require an immediate reaction. That way, whenever you find yourself without time to think, you will have trained yourself to naturally respond in the way that is the safest for your psyche.

The second example for how to practice this is by getting to know yourself. If you leave with nothing else today, leave with only this: over the next few weeks, practice asking yourself “why?” Reflect on every decision you make as you carry on through each day. “Why did I choose fruit loops for breakfast instead of eggs?” “Why didn’t I want to answer that phone call?” “Why did I stay up later than I intended to last night?” Keep asking yourself why until you understand the root of your decision. Then, ask yourself if ultimately, you are proud of the decision you made, and evaluate that. If you are proud of that decision, create a plan for how you can make more decisions like it in the future, and practice that as you go forward through the next day and the day following that. If you are not proud of the decision, ask yourself whether it’s more beneficial for you in the long run to accept the reasons for your choice, or to change them in the future, and build a plan to accomplish that. If you do this, it will be exhausting and difficult, but ultimately, this is how we build our integrity. It’s how we discover our moral code and it’s how we make our spirit indomitable. Ultimately, this is how we make ourselves impenetrable when we are faced with a circumstance of peer pressure.