Dear Danika,

I need to talk about a boy I met named Jimothy.

Jimothy came into my life at the perfect time, I had just been ghosted by a man I fell head over heels for, and here came this glimmering light of a human being. We clicked immediately, our humour and personalities as a whole were the same. We instantly felt comfortable with each other, no awkward first date small talk or silence, it was like we had known each other for years. Jimothy and I continued to “date” for a few months, we’d go out and check off activities on each others bucket lists, we’d order dinner in and talk all night long. I had found my person, all I was waiting on, was the question. Jimothy was held back by his job, he worked long hours 6-7 days a week so we couldn’t see each other as often as I’d hoped.
March rolled around, COVID became a larger problem and Jimothy was laid off. I had selfishly hoped this would mean more time spent, the days and weeks passed and I’d dropped a “ball in his court” offer that if he wanted to hang out, I was free. He told me he wanted to but with the concerns surrounding the pandemic, he thought we should wait it out, I complied.
Weeks turned into months, Jimothy and I talked daily, nonstop.
I woke up one morning, logged into my social media and saw a post that would make my heart sink. Jimothy was now in a relationship, then as quickly as it was posted, the post was gone.
I was concerned, I recognized this behavior, but it didn’t seem like Jimothy. He would tell me…right?
I made the decision to see how long it would take Jimothy to tell me the truth, I had hoped it was some girl who saw this incredible human and took things too intensely. Days went by, then weeks, I questioned why he hadn’t said anything to me, someone he was seemingly so close with. I took matters a step further, I sent him a flirty message like I had turned back time and we were back in the summer of last year. Then the truth came, after a month, he finally told me. He was seeing someone; Drizella.
Despite my feelings for him, I took the high road, I thanked him for his honesty and told him all I wanted was for him to be happy. He confessed he didn’t tell me right away because the relationship was off to a rocky start and he loved having me in his life, and wanted us to remain friends. Once again, I complied. I’d rather suppress my feelings and have Jimothy in my life as a friend than not at all.
Months passed, I respected their relationship, ensuring I made no comments that could possibly be taken wrong. Our relationship was strictly platonic. I dated other people, but they just weren’t measuring up to Jimothy.

Jimothy was quiet about his relationship, only speaking of it in slight jokes. This concerned me. I finally got something out of him; they had a fight. The way he described her she was controlling and irrational. She was insecure and jealous, but took it out on others. She’d refer to other women with harmful anti-women rhetoric like “sluts” and “bitches” without even knowing them, simply because of mundane things like piercings or the clothes they wear. She would take the things he said so out of context and punish him for it.
This did not seem like a match for Jimothy, I wondered what he saw in her. How could someone so compassionate and easy going seek a relationship with someone so seemingly intolerant?
Weeks went by, I went camping with my friends. No service, no worries. On the last day, I turn on my phone on the drive home and see a message from Jimothy. Him and his girlfriend had split. As empathetic as I was about their breakup, I was relieved. Not because of my feelings but because all signs pointed to Jimothy not being happy with her.
Jimothy and I remained friends, we still talked everyday. Things between us were still strictly platonic, respectfully. He would come over, we would talk, watch movies. Friends.
Jimothy got back into dating. We would share stories of the struggles and the people we met just didn’t click. For me; they just weren’t Jimothy.
Coincidentally, I unknowingly matched with one of Jimothy’s friends, when the pieces were put together on either end, Jimothy seemed unhappy about it but he was not willing to completely discourage the idea. I took this as an opportunity to confess my feelings for him. Jimothy delicately told me any feelings he had for me were no longer because I was responsible for his breakup. This upset me. Not only the rejection, but the blame. In my mind I did everything right: I wasn’t flirty, I wasn’t crossing any lines, and I had respected their relationship as I would have wanted him to should the roles have been reversed. How could this possibly be my fault?
Jimothy asked if we could remain friends, I put my feelings aside and told him yes, nothing has to change. I was crushed, but I’d rather Jimothy be a friend rather than nothing at all. After all, I’m not entitled to anyone’s reciprocated feelings.
Our friendship continued as normal; we would talk all day long, share dating stories, give advice, send each other ridiculous memes and to top it all off, our impressively long snapchat streak. 450 days, the longest streak Jimothy and I have both had and he was proud of it.
As the days pass, I slowly grew no less and less romantically invested in Jimothy, until I no longer felt romantically interested at all. This was a feeling of freedom and relief; I no longer felt hung up on this idea of being with Jimothy. I start dating with a more open mind, and I met a few very enticing individuals. The relationship between Jimothy and I finally became mutually platonic.
On day 455, Jimothy goes quiet. His regular “Good morning” photo is absent, his rants about work and his laughter to my antics were missing. I reached out to Jimothy over text and asked him if he was okay. It’s not like him to ignore every message. Jimothy reluctantly told me he’s ending the streak, but won’t say why. Our streak was effortless, we didn’t try to keep it, it just happened. I told him it’s just a silly Snapchat streak and if it was causing some kind of burden; it’s fine to end it.
I finally get reasoning; his ex is back in his life. Not as a girlfriend, but as a potential. She is threatened by my presence- and more so by this social media badge. Jimothy becomes defensive and says we will make it to 500, he is determined.
Things return to normal, we talk everyday, remaining friends.
Day 510, I get a message from Jimothy asking to talk, I tell him I’m just doing a favor for my mom and then he is free to come over. He seems upset and short in his responses so I ask him if everything is alright, he responds with “just drama”
My mom turns and asks a weird question, she says “do you think he’s going to say he can’t talk to you anymore?” Absolutely not, my phone’s notifications building by the minute with messages from Jimothy. “He’s one of my best friends, he wouldn’t do that”
Jimothy comes to my house, greets me and my dogs as normal, he sits on my couch while I offer him a drink and he declines and says he needs to jump right into it.
“I have to stop contact with you, stop talking to you, and delete you off social media.” he says. Time stopped, that feeling of my heart sinking was happening again, every cell in my body was in panic mode. A million thoughts rush through my head. I tried to remain calm and rational as I’ve always been with Jimothy.
He tells me Drizella and him have been in contact. She helped him through some tough days he was having. He tells me he doesn’t want her to be with anyone else, he doesn’t want to feel the same regret of “letting her go” as he does with his last long term relationship. It haunts him. Drizella will not give him the time of day if he is still in contact with me. I question why she has this vendetta against me, when did it become “me vs. her”?
He tells me I did nothing wrong, and it was him who failed to mention who I was, fueling her insecurities. These were made worse every time she would target me and attack my appearance or even worse, my character, without even knowing me. Jimothy would come to my defense, this enraged her and made her vendetta towards me even worse.
I tried not to show every emotion I was feeling, until I was overwhelmed and broke down, something I never wanted to do in front of Jimothy. I was losing one of my best friends to someone who in my mind didn’t respect him or trust him. -To someone who was selfish and manipulative.
I ended the conversation telling Jimothy if this is what will make him happy, I’m not going to fight it, I’ll respect his decision and I bit my tongue on all the thoughts and opinions I had on the situation because they would be no help to Jimothy’s obvious emotional struggle.
Jimothy asked if I wanted him to go, everything in my mind was screaming “No” I told him I had nothing left to say.
He gave me a hug, where I broke down a second time. This person that means so much to me, that I considered one of my closest friends was walking out of my life for a person that doesn’t deserve him. He was manipulated into believing this was a solution.
By the end of the night, I was deleted off every social media app. I was no longer part of his life.
In the end, I want to know what rational way to feel about this situation. I’ve gone through stages of being sad, angry, and petty… and now I’m stuck in this feeling that I was devalued as a friend and a human by someone I considered a very close friend. I don’t want to blame Jimothy but I do, because at the end of it all, it was a choice that he made. Is this unreasonable? How should I respond should he reach out?

Sincerely,

Mesmerized & Mystified

Dear Mesmerized,

Wow, that is a lot for you to have gone through and I can’t imagine how heavy it all must weigh on your heart. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure all of this.

I’m going to start out by saying that you’re not going to like all that I have to say, but I believe that there still will be pieces that you do, so I urge you to stick with me until the end.

I understand how much it must seem like Drizella is a villian. I know that toxic relationships can leave one partner feeling like they’re without a choice, with the other as the puppeteer, and I understand it must be and have been frustrating witnessing their dynamic from the outside, especially when you hold Jimothy at higher value than what Drizella recognizes him for. However, his choices and her actions are outside of your control, and you’re only going to further damage yourself the more you linger in your thoughts about it.

Furthermore, despite all that he had endured with her, he still chose to go back to her. He’s clarifying that that’s where he wants to be. Regardless of what you believe he deserves, he obviously believes differently. That’s out of your hands, and I know that must be painful alone to cope with, so I’m sorry for the drop in your stomach that I’m sure you just experienced.

Moving forward, I don’t believe it’s a matter of if Jimothy comes back- but rather, a matter of when. I bet that beyond your control, that statement probably filled your body with a rush of warm-tinglies, but unfortunately this comes with a disclaimer. I think that he will always continue to come back as long as he believes he is able to, and you have been telling him time and again that he is. You have been making it clear to him that you are reliable for him. While this is a positive thing in many instances with many people, I don’t believe that it is with Jimothy. I think that even if it is subliminal, he believes in a “no matter what” clause in your and his dynamic, and part of that clause is even if it damages your well-being. I know that so far, Drizella has been the only reason for his departure from your life (both literally, when he adamantly cut ties with you, and figuratively, whenever he hasn’t been wholly available,) but I suspect that this may suspend to other reasons in the future. I think that he may not be aware of it but for him, you are a safety net. You’re his insurance for comfort and for company, and you’re at the ready whenever he feels he’s lacking in either department. In summary, I don’t think you’re wrong to lay some of the blame on him.

Finally, this brings me to my advice for you. I think that the best thing for you to do is shift your focus. Instead of spiraling through tormenting thoughts about how you should respond to him and how you should feel about what he has been putting you through, you should focus on how far you’re comfortable bending. I think that his absence is a gift of time for you and that you should use it to define your boundaries. In your head, find the version of yourself that is the happiest. Think back to a moment where you felt the most complete. Sit down with her, as well as the version of yourself that broke down in front of Jimothy and have a chat with both versions of you. Ask them how many times he’s allowed to come back. Ask them how many times you can handle him slipping away. Figure out exactly where the point is for yourself where things shift from being a natural give-and-take where you can handle it and feel comfortable with it, to when it becomes you giving pieces of yourself away. “The bend to the break,” define that exactly for yourself. Don’t ask the part of you that cares for him, ask the part of you that cares for you. Furthermore, figure out what love means for you. (I know that ‘love’ is a strong word to use for Jimothy given the looseness of your relationship overall and the platonic nature of it in the end, and when I say love, I mean it as an over-arching umbrella term, so bare with me.) Anyway, I’ll give you a hint: there are people in your life who have been teaching you all along what love is supposed to mean. Think of maybe your mother, or perhaps a long-time friend, whomever has been the best consistent example of love in your life. Think about your relationship with this person, or these people. Have you ever once felt like you had to sacrifice yourself for them on a level that was uncomfortable or damaging to yourself? Have you ever once wondered whether they would be there for you in a time when you needed them?

Regardless of whatever type of love you’re in, that is what it’s supposed to feel like. The give-and-take feels effortless, where you should feel excited to give and never isolated by them. A person who loves you should make you feel okay to be vulnerable and you should know without a trace of a doubt that they will be available to you always. True love in any form shouldn’t ever feel one-sided, and it should always lift you up and encourage your potential. It is never diminishing or lonely. Sure, in love there will be moments where you may struggle or be unable to reach the other person, but still, it will never leave you empty at the end of it. Determine your boundaries by this, too.

It’s up to you whether you want to define your boundaries completely (or at all) for Jimothy, but once you have found them and placed them, abide by them. If Jimothy (again) oversteps your boundaries to a point where it sacrifices your person, the best thing for you to do is treat your response to it like a break-up.

I need to add that this doesn’t have to be your first response. You’re allowed room for warnings and/or chances, just keep it in that realm of where you’re comfortable bending, and don’t allow it continue after you can not bend any further. All I’m saying is if you find yourself at this breaking point, the best treatment is alike a break up…

Take time to mourn him. I’m sure the friends you’ve mentioned from your camping trip would be ready to bring you ice cream and wine whenever you may need, or to take you on a short adventure to distract you whenever you grow tired of crying. Find yourself again without him and build yourself up. Create again that version of yourself that is the happiest. Take good care of yourself, fight to find your purpose, and live. Go through all of the steps a regular break up would put you through, and keep going until you find yourself whole again.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever have him in your life again. Reasonably, there is no reason why eventually, he can’t be your friend again, (as long as he respects the boundaries you lay in the future,) but do not leave this as a goal inside of your head as you endure this, because I suspect by the end of it all, you may just have a change in heart.

I understand that your soul may not be ready for this advice at this time, and that’s okay, because now it is available to you for whenever you are. I also know that with people like Jimothy – where there are high highs and low lows, the desire for their company can turn into somewhat of an addiction. With that being said, a natural part of addiction is relapse, so if ever you do find yourself ready to digest my advice, if you find yourself giving pieces of you away to him again, it is not something you should feel guilty about. Don’t be ashamed by it and don’t allow it to close you off from talking to those you’re close with about it. Just remind yourself that it’s all a part of the process, and work towards being ready to find and place your boundaries once again.

All in all, I can’t tell you what the best way for you to feel is now, nor can I tell you how best you should respond if he wanders back into your life, but if you do decide to follow my advice, I’m certain that you will find the best answers for yourself in those regards by the end. The road is going to continue to be painful for some time yet, but I’m certain you will find yourself content, free, and whole when all is said and done.

With this though, if you decide not to take my advice at all, that’s okay. I will always listen and I promise to never judge, so if the next thing you want to talk about is “how do I cope with hurting because of this person I refuse to let go of?” I’ll happily talk to you about that, too.

Mesmerized, you have spent long enough focusing on what he deserves. Now, it’s time for you to understand what you do.

With Love,

Danika

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