Dear Danika,

I have been wondering what your opinion is on the best way to make new friends.

I have been struggling most of my life in the friends department; I have mostly just been a loner with no close friends.

Working on myself has been my main goal for the past few years, and I think I am now ready to go out in the world and look for new friendships. Just wanted to know what your best advice would be for me.

Thank You,

Aspiring Acquaintance

Dear Aspiring,

I understand very well how difficult it can be to make new friendships and have them last the tests of time. I also know that there is a lot of run-of-the-mill advice floating around on this subject particularly, and so I’m going to do my best to refrain from giving you lacklustre advice.

You said that working on yourself has been your main goal these past few years, and that is wonderful! I’m going to focus on that predominately because I think without even realizing it, you’ve taken the first correct step into finding companionship.

It is natural for people to gravitate towards those who are sure of who they are, and people like to engage with those that they relate to. Therefore, by focusing on yourself, you’ve already begun laying down the ground work to finding meaningful connections. The best thing that you can do is maintain that forward momentum you’ve been developing for your own purpose and success.

I would recommend putting the idea of developing friendships on the back burner of your mind. It is human nature to be social and so it is inevitable that you will find people, or people will find you. The key is to value the things that are the building blocks for a successful friendship that is true and lasting. This circles back to focusing on yourself.

Spend time defining for yourself the set of morals, values and boundaries you are the most comfortable conforming to. This will require a lot of deep thinking and it will be polished through trial and error, but the longer you spend figuring out these things for yourself, the better chance you will have at solidifying a friendship. A mistake that tends to happen too often, (a mistake I’ve made myself,) is if our focus is on forming a bond and we haven’t taken the time to understand what values and boundaries are important to us in friendships, we tend to romanticize an idea of friendship with someone we hardly know – just because the ‘spark’ of a potential friendship seemed to have happened. This often causes us to bend further than what we are comfortable with, putting unnecessary weight on our shoulders, and it often pushes the other person away. This can look as simple as being over eager to buy them a coffee, or drop our plans to spend time with them, etc. All with the intent of being kind and keeping them around.

A good friendship has balance. You will want to do as much for them as they will for you, and there will be no question or awkwardness about it. In other words, a good friendship feels natural. This is why it’s so important to understand what a good friendship looks like for yourself before you begin to create one. It will also give you a better understanding of pacing, and navigating your way through the rocky beginnings to eventually find a concrete bond.

This is a long journey and you can do this while simultaneously putting yourself into situations where bonds may easily form. Like I said, people like to engage with those that they can relate to, so any interests that you have that can be made communal will give you your best opportunity at beginning to form those bonds. If you’re in college, you know that everyone around you is taking that class has at least that same interest as you, so that’s a good basis. If you’re into going to the gym, you know that everyone in that room is on a similar journey to you. Extra curricular activities, like maybe paint balling or music groups or what-have-you – even online groups you can find where you can engage with people who have a mind akin to your own, or Twitter chats, (look into them, they’re fun!) These are all great places to potentially meet a friend. The trick is to find where you can slide into a conversation without going out of your way too enthusiastically to be there. The more you understand yourself, the better time you will have discovering where these sort of ‘ins’ are.

But again, let ‘making a friend’ rest on the back burner, and ‘doing what you love, and discovering yourself’ your top priority. Of everything I’ve said here, that is the very best thing that you can do.

I hope this helps!

With Love,

Danika

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