Dear Danika,

I have a friend, Steph, who’s dating two men.
I’ll premise this by saying Steph is an incredible person, she’s so bright and personable, it’s hard not to love her.
She has two men interested in her, both of which she has a past with; one I know is a genuinely good human, the other I don’t know well, but in any case, I don’t think what she’s doing is fair.
This love triangle is going further than just her finding out with whom she’s most compatible with, she knows both these men are legitimately in love with her.
They both take her on dates, and buy her gifts, they confess their feelings for her consistently, but they don’t know about each other. “Technically” she is single, and yes, free to do whatever she pleases. My problem is that she gets very upset, in tears when she gets word either of these guys hanging out with another girl. It’s all very hypocritical and I don’t think she realizes it. She talks about it like she’s proud of what she’s doing and gets mad when anyone questions it.
I guess I need advice on how I should go about talking to her about this without sparking conflict. What she’s doing is going to really hurt one or both of these men, and I’ve been in their position, she hasn’t. I empathize with the position they’re in. I know how much that destroys a person. I know she doesn’t want to hurt either of them intentionally, and the consequences will really upset her but I think the attention is blinding her. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Try (Another) Angle

Dear Triangle,

That is a complicated situation, and I imagine it must be difficult witnessing it from an outside perspective.

I think that foremost, it’s important to understand that getting through to someone who doesn’t want to hear what you have to say is always complex and there is always a good chance that she will be eager to dismiss your input no matter what. Being that Steph is wrapped up in the middle of this situation, she’s not going to be able to see it clearly, as she does not have the same birds-eye view of it as you do. Likely, she has also absentmindedly altered her outlook of her situation to justify her actions – a human tendency we all share, as we don’t ever feel comfortable viewing ourselves as a bad guy. All this to say, prepare for her to behave defensively, erratically, and probably irrationally regardless of however you approach the conversation. Whether or not she is readily aware of it, she will probably have the interest of preserving her character or her version of her ideal self at the forefront of her mind when she’s confronted with her circumstance. You will likely have a difficult time penetrating her shield and there is a good chance you will not be able to get through to her at all, regardless of how passionately you try and regardless of how true your intentions are.

With that being said, I understand your desire to try anyway. Not only are you trying to be a good friend, but you’re trying to gain justice for those poor boys, too. I stand behind your intentions entirely and I believe what you’re trying to do is purely good.

My suggestion would be that whenever you do attempt to talk to her about this, don’t approach it from the perspective of the guys she’s been stringing along. Do your best to leave their feelings out of the conversation entirely, as that will be the thing she will be the most likely to dismiss. Instead, present her with the potential consequences that will directly impact her. Explain to her that she has strapped a bomb to her own chest, and she has given both of them the button to ignite it. Regardless of how loose the developing relationships with the both of them are, the longer she pursues them, the higher the chance is that she will wind up losing them both in the end. Given that she is clearly having a difficult time making a decision, it is obvious that she would not like this outcome so this may be a good way to reach her. You can branch off of that by painting a clear picture of the toll this will continue to have on her until the pending explosion. When you talk to her, assume that her double life is already weighing on her, because it likely is. It is burdening to keep secrets and make excuses and continuously justify the tiny white lies piling up in a corner of your mind. Even if she is able to talk like she is comfortable in the triangle she has created and has been feeding, it is reasonable to assume that she is lying to herself to help herself believe that her situation is okay. There is no way that she doesn’t feel worn thin between two people who are each able to give her their all while she has put herself in a position where she isn’t able to return the same grace to either of them. That kind of expenditure weighs heavy on the subconscious and that weight will only grow heavier with time. You may be able to reach her by exposing her guilt to her conscience. You can approach this avenue in a way that is kind and considerate, and there are a number of ways you can do this. You can share with her a personal story of your own of a time you felt guilty for not being fully available to someone because of a tie you had with a third party without attaching it to her circumstance and let her fit the puzzle pieces together on her own. Or you can wait for her to share a story she has with one of them and you can ask if she felt guilty about the other in that moment. You can even rephrase it or add onto it by saying something like “I know I wouldn’t be able to handle…”

Another way to approach this is by giving her the tools she needs to find the most satisfactory resolve and the time for her to work it out on her own. People don’t like being told what to do and in circumstances like this, they often feel attacked when given advice. Right now, she probably feels incredibly lost, and the longer she sinks into her situation, the thicker and more confusing the maze she’s trapped herself in will appear. If it hasn’t already, a time will come where the guilt will begin to overshadow her feelings. Just and proper decision making will become cloudy the more it leans towards “how can I hurt him when he has done this to me” and leans away from “I like how he makes me feel.” Reality will warp and distort for her more and more the longer she allows this to continue. You can help her regain stability and find grounding by providing her with the train of thoughts that are the most beneficial for her to consider. Help her to cut off the excess fat of the guilt that tacks onto the gifts, the dates and the attention and help her discover how she feels about them in the purest form. Encourage her to take time away from both of them so she can figure out what she truly wants for herself. Do your best to make sure that as she addresses her situation, she considers only the things that are genuine and healthy, and not the things that may be materialistic and shallow. In other words, (loosely,) how she feels about who they are and not what they do; how they impact her heart and nourish her soul. Help her to envision the future and help her to not be caught up in the present. Most of all, do all you can to make her feel like it is her idea. If she believes that she is figuring it out all on her own, she stands the best chance of wanting to find a conclusion and wanting to follow through with the conclusion she has drawn to. Think of it as her being lost in a forest and the trees are too tall and too thick for her to see clearly through. She is exhausted, confused, dehydrated and frustrated, but she is also stubborn. If you found her in the forest and told her you knew the way to a clear path, she would laugh at you. She would tell you she already knew it was impossible as she has tried herself to find a path countless times and already knows one doesn’t exist. However, if you found her in the forest and you laid down a string of pebbles that lead towards that path, she would be able to believe she found the clues on her own and she would be more likely to follow them until she found the path for herself.

You can be at the path waiting for her. In other words, give her an opportunity to be aware that she can lean on you. If you are not pushy when she is in the forest and if you are not intrusive when she finds the path of pebbles, it is likely that she will want to lean on you when you tell her that she can. Then, you will be able to work with her to follow the path through forest and you will be able to help her find her way out of the trees.

Regardless of how this all begins, prepare for it to be messy at first. Prepare for her to be rigid and defensive, and prepare for her to even resort to being hurtful. Understand that at first she will be foggy, and that her actions may not match her true intent.

In summary, my advice is to help her to confront her side of the situation she’s put herself in, and even if she becomes hostile, remain available to her. Most pressingly, know that you may not be able to get through. Go into the conversation knowing your limitations. If she rejects you, don’t push back with the same level of force. Check in with yourself frequently and recognize when it’s best for yourself to step away. Don’t allow your emotions to dictate your reactions and understand that her reactions may just be tactics to shut out a confrontation she’s not ready or willing to take on. In short; don’t take her reactions personally while she’s still in the forest.

I hope this helps.

With Love,

Danika

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