As you read this, understand that this opinion of mine is not intended to be an excuse for anyone who has stood by anyone who has done wrong. I have just noticed that there seems to be a disconnect in understanding empathy and its relationship to good.

It seems as though for every person that self describes as an “Empath,” there is an accusation of dishonesty because of the company that said “Empath” keeps.

“If you are truly empathetic, how can you be friends with someone so evil? Wouldn’t you be drowning in all the pain your friend is inflicting on others?”

The logic is sound, but emotions rarely have anything to do with logic. In fact, the more empathetic you are, the more difficult you will find navigating logic.

Evil does not work like spawning a character in a video game. It does not just appear out of nowhere and suddenly exist. It is generated, manifested, and nurtured. It occurs as a reaction to experience. Logic looks at what happens as a result of evil, and empathy looks at what resulted in evil. That is the most important thing to understand as I carry you through this series of thoughts.

I am going to tell you a story:

Abigail, Trish, and Robert have been very close friends since high school. In fact, Robert and Abigail dated for nearly twelve years! Robert caught feelings for Abigail when she was sixteen, and while they were in high school, the relationship felt effortless. Sharing the same hallways and living only a couple blocks apart made spending time together easy, and back then, all their interests and beliefs seemed to line up perfectly. The three of them moved across country together after high school was over and it was after the move that Robert realized his life was heading in a different direction than Abigail’s. It occurred to him that he could not have foreseen this while they were in high school, as the map to their lives at the time was nearly identical, but it began to create tension for him as their lives evolved into adulthood. For a long while, he dismissed this itching thought that whispered to him from the back of his mind because for so long, he had been endlessly in love with Abigail and he assumed and expected that their relationship would carry on through the rest of their days. His love for Abigail and the nostalgia of the time they shared together kept him with her for many years after the move but eventually, he realized that as special as she had been to him, the best chance he had at taking the path to the future he longed for was by ending the relationship with her. They ended on good terms and though things were rocky for a while, they were able to mostly replenish their friendship that existed even before the relationship began. That was a good thing for two reasons; Abigail of course had a great impact on Robert’s life, as she had been a prominent part of it for so long, and of course, they were both still very close with Trish – and things would have been very difficult if the end of their relationship had put a wedge into their trio that existed for so long. At twenty-eight, Robert met a new girl named Allison. Robert rapidly fell deeply in love with Allison. In fact, he had not before realized how wonderful being in love could truly feel. Allison fell for Robert too, and anyone who knew them together would insist that they were the best example of ‘two peas in a pod.’ The directions of each of their lives fell perfectly in place with the other and they shared values that were nearly identical. The compatibility Robert shared with Allison was of the rarest and most beautiful type. They were both certain early on that they were destined to be together, and on their first anniversary, Robert proposed to Allison. The ceremony was beautiful and both Abigail and Trish stood beside Allison in the wedding party. Three months after their honeymoon, Allison announced that she was pregnant. The following spring, she gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Lily. Robert and Allison built a home together where they raised Lily and with each year that passed, their love grew stronger. Robert could not imagine being happier.

When Lily was three, Abigail offered to babysit when Robert and Allison complained about how much they were longing for a date night. They went for dinner and intended to see a movie when it was over, but when they arrived at the theatre, they discovered that the film they were looking forward to seeing already had every seat filled. Instead of continuing their date doing something else, they decided they would both rather just return home. It was fortunate that they did, because when they returned home, they found Abigail trying to drown Lily in their bathtub.

Robert was shocked and horrified, and his brain was so fuzzy that he did not know what he should do. He decided to call Trish and talk it through with her. Trish talked Robert down from calling the police. She pleaded with him that Abigail was just in a dark spot and that she did not deserve prison time over the incident. Trish reminded Robert of how much Abigail meant to both of them and said that they should help her get back on her feet. Of course, Robert and Allison were reluctant at first, but Trish was able to convince them to forgive Abigail for her terrible choice.

What is your reaction to that story? If I were to guess, I would say you’re probably thinking:

Oh my God, Abigail is a monster! How could she do that? She cared for Robert so much and after all those years, she tried to kill his child?! Why would Trish defend her? Clearly, Abigail deserves to go to jail. That is horrible!

Now, I want to tell you that story again:

Trish and Abigail had been friends since they were five years old. They grew up as neighbours and always attended the same school. They were there for each other through every milestone, every heartbreak, and every success. They shared their deepest secrets and their wildest dreams with one another. The pair were truly inseparable.

When they began high school, Trish sat next to a guy named Robert in math class. Quickly the two of them became friends, and eventually, Trish introduced Robert to Abigail. Abigail immediately developed a crush on Robert and after months of anxiety and butterflies, she finally worked up the courage to confess how she felt. To her surprise, Robert told her he had feelings for her too and shortly after, the two of them began to date. Abigail fell deeply in love with Robert and found herself wanting to spend more and more of her time with him. They only lived a couple blocks apart, and some of her favorite memories with him were of when she would sneak out at night and crawl through his bedroom window. On those nights, they would hang out until sometimes three or four in the morning, fighting to stifle their endless laughter so Robert’s parents would not wake up and find her in his room. Their whole relationship felt like a love story and each day, Abigail grew fonder of Robert.

Throughout the years, Robert would talk about how he always wanted to move to Pennsylvania. It had been his dream ever since he was a kid. Trish would chime in saying that she would move anywhere in a heartbeat – anything to get out of their old, boring hometown. Abigail loved her home and had it not been for Robert and Trish, she probably would have never considered leaving, but if her two favorite people in the whole world were moving, she would be able to justify going, too. After all, home would not feel like home without them. So, shortly after high school, the trio moved across the country. Abigail felt a lump of reluctance growing inside her stomach, but she convinced herself that ultimately, a change could be good for her. It would give her life experience and with Robert and Trish, she knew it would be fun and she would always have love.

Abigail and Robert would often talk about how they both believed they were going to be together forever. They would share warmth in the idea of their story; how it began in high school and how they both met through their best friend. They would romanticize about sharing their story around the bingo table when they were both ninety years old, but whenever Abigail would imply marriage, Robert would change the subject. That eventually happened enough times where Abigail asked Robert point blank if he wanted to marry her. He told her that he did not believe in the idea of marriage and that he did not think they needed a piece of paper to prove their love for each other. Eventually, Abigail came to terms with this idea and forgot about her childhood fantasies of walking down the aisle in the most beautiful princess dress. Ultimately, she decided that Robert was right; their love for each other was all the proof she could ever need. After all, regardless of whether she wore a ring on her finger or not, she knew she would be by his side until the end of their days.

Right since their relationship in high school, Robert told Abigail that he never wanted to have kids. Before their relationship, she had always pictured herself being a mother some day, but after having this conversation with Robert year after year, she eventually came to terms with it. After a pregnancy scare in her early twenties, the conversation became a lot more serious. After months of deep discussion and careful consideration, Abigail decided to get a surgery that would ensure they would not have that scare a second time. The surgery, the recovery, and the emotions that went alongside it were a lot for Abigail to take on, but Robert was there for her in any way he could be available every step of the way. Abigail loved Robert endlessly and she knew in her heart that all she could ever need was him and her best friend, Trish.

One morning, Abigail woke up particularly early and she decided that she would surprise Robert with an enormous and beautiful breakfast. She spent the morning making waffles, eggs, and bacon, and even put together a fruit bowl for a side. She took out the expensive coffee that they normally reserved for special occasions and ground the beans to make a pot. She heard rustling from the bedroom and waited eagerly for him to emerge in his bathrobe and his pajama pants, impatiently awaiting the look of delight she was certain would appear on his face. When he finally arrived, however, to her surprise, he looked almost disappointed. Robert told her that he thought they needed to talk.

Robert had years to realize that they were growing apart, but Abigail was completely caught off guard by the breakup. She loved him more every day since the first, and it never occurred to her that they might not last. The conversation shattered Abigail’s entire world and she was left completely broken-hearted. Trish visited her frequently as she healed, and Abigail did all she could to stay strong. Robert had said that he wanted them to remain friends, and Abigail did not want to cause tension in their friendship with Trish so she did all she could to fight through the heartache and pretend that she was okay.

Six months after the breakup, Robert met a new girl named Allison. Abigail watched helplessly from the sidelines as they fell in love with each other and only a year in, the pair became engaged. After nearly twelve years of being with Robert and understanding that marriage was out of the question, the announcement of their engagement shattered Abigail further. Abigail grew hot with anger and envy when Allison asked her if she would be a bridesmaid at the wedding, but for the sake of friendship, she fought through her emotions and stood at the alter and watched Allison walk down the aisle. Abigail barely had time to come to terms with the marriage when Allison announced her pregnancy. The news twisted the knife in Abigail’s stomach. Soon after, Allison gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Lily. For years, she watched as Allison lived out the life Abigail had dreamed of sharing with Robert. For years, Abigail struggled to be happy on Robert’s behalf.

One day, when Lily was three, Trish and Abigail were enjoying a drink on Robert and Allison’s patio. Robert and Allison were lightly complaining about how they longed for a date night and kindness compelled Abigail to insist on babysitting Lily to give Robert and Allison a chance to have a much-needed night alone.

Babysitting Lily was effortless; she was such a sweet, well-behaved little girl. Abigail’s heart warmed with the time she spent with the child. After playing in the sandpit in the back yard, Abigail decided Lily probably needed a bath. As she helped the young girl wash off, every emotion she had been suppressing for so long rose and consumed Abigail entirely. She looked at Lily and became enraged, knowing that she could never have a child of her own. Her hands began shaking and her chest became hot as she realized that babysitting Lily was just playing pretend in the life that was stolen from her. Blinded by fury, she shoved the little girl under the water and stiffened her arms straight so Lily could not come up for air. Moments later, the door opened, and Robert saw the horror that was occurring. Luckily, he got there in time to save Lily’s life. Abigail snapped back into reality and began bawling – she could not believe what she had just done. Robert threatened to call the cops before storming out of the room which made Abigail’s wailing grow even more intense.

Not knowing what to do or how to react, Robert called Trish. Reluctantly, Trish began explaining to Robert all the pain Abigail had been going through that she was trying to keep to herself. Finally recognizing Abigail’s position, Robert listened to Trish’s plea to not call the police and have Abigail thrown in jail.

I am betting that your reaction to this version of the story is different than the last. You probably care for Robert less in this version of the story, and you probably care for Abigail a little more. You probably have a better understanding as to why Trish defended Abigail after such a horrible thing. I am sure you still see Abigail’s reaction as wrong and perhaps you even still believe that she should have been thrown in jail, but now you should have an understanding on how perspective can shift the opinions of an event.

Fundamentally, perspective is why deeply empathetic people can sometimes rigidly stand beside someone who has created evil.

One of the most honorable, as well as the most dangerous traits of a deeply empathetic person is their seemingly boundless ability to forgive. Deeply empathetic people are more inclined to see people for who they could be instead of for who they really are. Everybody has potential and empathetic people lay a lot of trust in that potential. It is easier to forgive someone when you really believe that they could be better in the future. This kind of passion for forgiveness can in turn look brave and bold, or it can look foolish and spineless, it entirely depends on the situation at hand.

Furthermore, it can be far easier for a deeply empathetic person to be sucked into intense and everlasting sadness. Empathy is nearly an all-consuming human characteristic that we all possess, but some of us are more pulled in by it than others. It is human to sometimes be ruled by your emotions, regardless of who you are, and when that happens, we often succumb to them far more than what is necessary and what is healthy, and we often remain engulfed by them by far longer than what is manageable. When we surrender to any version of unhappiness, our view of the world tends to shift to match how we feel, and this gives us poor judgment. So – when a deeply empathetic person is feeding off the emotions of a poorly intended person, it is a slippery slope into their perspective shifting to match the needs of that person. This mixed in with believing in someone’s potential is where the “how can you stand by them” logic fails. Therefore, an empathetic person may not always respond to a situation in a logically virtuous way. We should not assume that good intentions are equivalent to morally sound outcomes. We should not assume that the perspective we see first has the only morally sound resolution.

Again, this opinion of mine is not intended to defend the poor judgment of an ’empath,’ but I hope it shifts the conversation. I hope this understanding makes it easier to decipher how to respond to a situation where you see a person who claims to be good, standing rigidly beside someone who has done something bad. From situation to situation, I do not know what the best response would be, but I do think the accusatory phrase, “how could you,” is not the best approach.