Boy oh boy do I ever feel like we need to broaden our understanding of the phrase, “treat others the way you want to be treated,” – or whatever rendition of that idea that you’re most familiar with. Too often, the representation is skewed, and it is used as a manipulation tactic instead of a powerful value to adhere to.

Of all the ways the phrase has been put, it has never been, “Treat others how you want them to treat you and expect them behave exactly as your example led.” If you think the phrase implies a guarantee for how you will be treated as a result, then you have misunderstood its purpose.

In order to connect with people, they shouldn’t have to fit into a mould that you’ve created to be worthy of your time. When a person paints a picture, they often begin with the broad strokes of the overall image before they go in with a fine brush to perfect the little details. Treating people well is the broad strokes, not the details. Offering kindness is a broad stroke; replying promptly to a text is a detail. For example:

“I did this for you, so you should do this for me” is a format of speaking that should be made obsolete. You are not owed for your services, no matter how generous or grandiose they may have been. When you behave in this manner, you make people uncomfortable and you will drive them away from you. A person shouldn’t feel like they must meet a certain set of requirements in order to gain your approval. This should be stressed: we are individuals. That means that someone else’s moral code and understanding of goodness and kind nature is going to be different than your own. This also means that someone else may not be capable (whether it be emotionally, financially, or otherwise) of demonstrating the same genre of kindness that you have offered to them. Fundamentally, this is why expectations will not work.

This demonstration of the phrase can be misleading, too. Often, I have seen people behave in a way that wouldn’t normally come naturally to them, simply because they were trying to produce a specific response from someone else. This is dangerous and dishonest. You should consistently behave in a way that is true to yourself and you should first treat yourself the way you want to be treated, too. Ultimately, everything outside of you is outside of your own control. The only person you should ever allow yourself to try and change is you, and the best way to receive positive affirmation from those around you is by implicating that positive change within yourself.

The emphasis on the phrase is here:

“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

Not here:

“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

There is not, nor should there ever be any subtext within that phrase. It should be plain, transparent, and genuine. You should treat others with kindness because you want to be kind to them, because you’re excited to be. Your desire to be kind should be regardless of the potential outcome.

There is a hidden clause within that phrase. It does not look like this:

“Treat others the way you want [and expect] to be treated”

But it does look like this:

“Treat others the way you want to be treated, [but understand that they will ultimately treat you in the way they believe you deserve.]”

There are two variables that can deter someone from offering you kindness: either you are not representing yourself in a way that is honest, courteous, and understanding, or they have otherwise decided that you’re not worth the gesture. The best way to tell which circumstance is at hand is through internal reflection. If you’ve valued the phrase correctly and the graces you’ve served them with are not intended (in any way) to have self-serving results, and their withholding of kindness towards you is spiteful, then they’re not worth your time. Simple. Just be diligent in ensuring it isn’t the first variable.

I’m tired of this phrase meaning “I’m aiming to make you feel obligated to behave in a way that pleases me.” Help me make it mean, “I want to be kind. I think you deserve it and I’m excited to extend it to you.”