Shame creates Silence

Confrontation creates Denial

Punishment creates Secrecy

I want to see a reduction in the amount of people being abused. I think that is a statement widely agreed upon. I do not believe we are creating an environment that will lessen the volume of abuse in the future. From where I stand, I see an enormous blind spot, and I think that acknowledging and recognizing that blind spot is the key to ensuring that less people are hurt in the future.

I think that abusers need a place where they can speak openly about the pain they have inflicted. I understand how wild that sounds, so I am pleading with you to hear me out before you draw to a conclusion.

The way things are set up right now is pretty black and white. You are innocent or you are guilty. When you are guilty, you are punished — whether that looks like being locked up behind bars or being publicly shamed and titled as evil.

I believe in consequences to your actions, but with that said, I believe there should be a place where that consequence looks like reflection and accountability, and societally, I think that we are lacking in that regard.

We fear the consequences of our actions. We don’t want to be correlated with the labels that could be attached to us, we don’t want to feel the affects of guilt that will eat at us when we are made aware of the shame and disappointment from those we care for, and we don’t want to face the punishment that awaits us. We fear the consequences of our actions so when we do something wrong, we run, we hide, and we stay quiet.

Staying quiet doesn’t work. Silence manifests; it can turn an isolated event into a serial behavior. The proof of us being aware of the possibility of silence becoming dangerous is apparent, as we urge victims of abuse to come forward and speak up.

When we are in denial, more often than not, we are not aware that we are. In I’m Not The Bad Guy, I spoke about how we as individuals want to believe that we are good, and sometimes, we will warp our own memories to preserve the image of ourselves that we have created. When we are accused of doing something wrong, it is often our instinct to defend our reputation and our integrity. This can create a feedback loop that can place us more rigidly in our denial.

With the way things are now, we are motivated to self-preserve when we have done something wrong. Self preservation motivates us to stay silent, to deny, and to deflect. These instincts ensure that we do not hold ourselves accountable for our actions, but that’s not the worst of it.

Silence and denial are two demons that work viciously well together. When we fear consequence, we forbid ourselves from speaking up. By doing so, we allow anguish, guilt, and anger to build up inside us. In other words, we need a release and staying silent forbids it. Denial insists that what you want to believe is true. So – if you want to believe that you are good, then eventually, you will begin to believe that whatever you did was okay.

If what you did was okay, then it is okay to do it again. Often, doing it again can feel like the release that you’ve been seeking. However, because the release wasn’t healthy, (the way speaking about what you’ve done would have been) it will not feel like the release was enough. This is often enough to motivate you to do it again. That is how an isolated incident can become a serial behavior.

All this to say: I believe it would be tremendously beneficial for abusers to have resources available to them just the same as victims do. I wish there were a hot line apparent and available for the accused and for the guilty. I want there to be a place where abusers can go to be heard without fear of judgment or consequence; a place where they can be provided support and resources to heal just the same as victims can. Of course, there can be clauses implemented that state proper authorities will be called if there seems to be an imminent threat of danger or abuse to someone, just the same as authorities are called if there is a pressing danger of self-harm, but otherwise, if someone seeks to navigate their own mistakes, they should be given a place where they can. I want there to be a readily available place where abusers can go to receive guidance for recognizing where and why they were wrong, and where they can be provided steps and healthy motivation to become better. I want a place where abusers can go to discover accountability on their own accord. Silence and guilt are burdening, and I believe that providing an avenue to relieve that burden is a preventative measure that will lessen the quantity of violence in the future.

We know that hurt people hurt people, yet I don’t believe we do enough to prove that we recognize that. Instead, we continue to recognize “good guy” vs “bad guy.” We provide solace to the victims and punishment to the abusers and we call it a day. This is not enough, and it is not a solution.

I want a safe space for the abusers to become as big a part of the conversation as a safe space for the victims. I want people that are consumed by guilt and shame to be told just as often as victims that there is a place for them to speak about the secrets that they keep. If we provide motivation for improvement, then I believe we will see it.

Furthermore, by opening the doors to hear people who have inflicted pain, we will give ourselves access to more information about what creates abusive people. This information could be used to better understand how to prevent the creation of more abusive people in the future, and it can also give us a better understanding on how to help future victims of abuse. The more information available to us, the more we will be able to do going forward.

I’ve said once before that I don’t believe that empathy is reserved for the deserving, and all of this is a good example as to why I hold that belief. I am sick of overlooking this blind spot. As a victim of abuse, I want a safe space for my abusers. Maybe then, there is a chance I could be their last victim.